Impartiality.

 Today

 Mythili, “get ready soon. We are late!”. “Why in such a hurry? We have good 30 mins to catch the bus. To be specific, I do not want to wait at the bus stand. The bus stand, that has taken my son’s life. I know something happened there and no one wants to share with me anything”. She sits on the sofa, not wanting to cry but still her tears reveal the pain that she is going through for the last 5 years. Guilty and feeling helpless! Sigh! I am hoping from today the days are going to be better. Suddenly the wreath falls from his photo, acknowledging my hope. His smile and that innocence,  at least once, I want to ask him,  "Am I not a good father?"

5 days back:

After my son killed himself, Mythili lost herself in a different world. She stopped sleeping and eating. During those days, my situation was the same as hers. I could not do anything much to take care of her. Once I moved to the office, I managed to divert the pain, but she locked herself in a room and was getting weaker by every day. She started to live because she is alive. She passes no more comments or taunts me for reaching late from the office or into the news for a long time. I shared her illness with my colleague, Venugopal. He suggested consulting a counselor and promised that this person can be very helpful to us. Even though I was hesitant, after being helpless watching Mythili's condition,  I decided to visit first on my own. I rang up their number and got an appointment for Wednesday.

3 days back:

On Wednesday, as planned, I met the counselor at her hospital. The hospital is attached to the ashram where she takes care of people who are left alone with no caretakers. After the receptionist called my name, I met her in the cabin. She asked me to sit. Adjusting her specs and asked, “as we spoke over the phone, I understand the pain you are going through. Can you please brief the exact incident and what made your son take such a drastic decision? “ She took her notebook and pen, wrote down few details. I think it was my name and my id.  Looked up to me and said, “please go ahead, then only I could be helpful”.

 “Venkatesh, our only son. He was born after our 1  year of marriage. Mythili, my wife, over-pampered him with a lot of love n care. He never has listened  “No” to his demands. At 2, Mythili enjoyed dressing him like a girl. He liked the pink dress and he wanted to wear the same dress daily. At 4,  we wanted him to learn Carnatic but, he was interested in Bharatnatyam.  Mythili allowed him to join the class as she was mastered it. At 10, Grade 5, Mythili presented him with a diary and asked him to record the best moments of his life. Life was beautiful.”

I stopped and asked for water. She stopped taking notes and handed me a glass of water. She asked, “whether I am okay to continue today ?” After finishing the water, “ I am fine, I can continue.  “Ummm..tell me about his likes and dislikes”, she asked.

He had the freedom to share whatever he thinks of. Neither Mythili nor I never stopped from doing something or taunted him for his mistakes. We even discuss my work and my boss's behavior when something goes wrong. All the matters!!. I was like a friend to him more than a father and I assumed that I knew him very well until I read his diary. I took the diary from my bag and kept her on the table. This dairy has its likes and dislikes.  

“I will read and get back. Anything else I may need to know?”. “Yes! My wife does not know the diary detail and I stood up to leave”. “Why you did not share with her? " “ Because, I am not sure of her reaction towards it. “. Okay!, I will call you, she said.

While I leaving the ashram, I saw a guy who was watering plants.  When I crossed him, he smiled at me. He looks like Venkatesh. Perhaps they both are the same age. I learned that his name is Shiva. Watching the scene from her room, the Counsellor opens the diary.  

Date: 1st July 1986

Today is my 5th birthday. .Mom prepared keer and dad gifted a bicycle. I wanted pink but my father has chosen blue. I am happy still. Following the day, I gave sweets to school-mates. Everyone wished me a “happy birthday”.

Date: 23rd Oct 1994:

It is one of the happiest days of my mom’s. My dance debut is done. Everyone clapped and spoke high about my performance to my mother.

Date: 1st July 1995.

I turn today 14. The morning was filled with a ton of wishes. Dad got me a watch and mom gifted me a T-shirt and jeans. Dad asked me to wear a new dress. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I did not feel good about myself. I liked myself being with make-up and jewels. I did not like my plain look.

Date: 24st Sep 1995.

In my class,  a new guy joined. His name, Vijay. He is handsome, tall. He likes to play cricket. I wanted to spend more time with him. Hopefully, he likes me and accepts his friend.

Date: 24st Dec 1995.

Mom got a new Kancheepuram silk saree. It looked grand n nice. I wanted to wear and see. I put on myself to see. Mom was giggling at me, see him, how he looks. He should have born as a girl. Somehow, this stuck to my head for a long. I could not sleep. That statement kept banging me and I felt that I could bear it as a girl.

Date: 1st Jan 1996.

In the new year, from my pocket money, I bought myself lipstick, bangles, and a pearl (not original) necklace. I wore it and showed it to my mom. Mom asked with surprise," is there any dance event nearby?.  I could not explain or convey to her that I liked them. I want to use them like any other girl. I asked mom, can’t I use it like Kamala? Kamala wears these every day to school. She looks good with bangles, bindi, and those jumkas. Mama started laughing and said, she is a girl and you are a boy. I could not understand. Why cannot I? Amma explained with still more patience, oh! Oh! I think you got confused.. those costumes are only for Bharatnatyam. Boys do not wear those. Look at your father and our Sundar. You should go n play with Sundar. Not with Kamala. That’s why all these confusions are happening. Perhaps, Amma is right! I am confused.

Date: 10th May 1996.

Today, I moved to the 10th class. Vijay, my first crush, sat next to me. I always liked him but never spoke to him. Today he is next to me!. I felt butterflies flying in my stomach. If this called love, then I think I fall in love with Vijay. Wanted to hold his hand tightly and go for a long walk. But I could not tell him the same. Somehow I was hesitant. I was a bit surprised why I was not impressed with any girl around me? I liked to wear costumes. I feel the body is not right for me. I want to look like Priya teacher. She looks beautiful in the saree. I too want to be like her. Wear sarees and an Anarkali dress, with flowers and kajal. Why cannot I have all?

Day: 17th June 1996.

Vijay has come to our house. My happiest moment of the day. My mom gave him gheer. He liked it and praised my mom. I took him to my room. He saw my dance photos and liked them. I wanted to talk to him more but he wanted to leave soon for his cricket practice. I am not a cricket person but, I like to watch him play. So, I joined him. While we were going towards the playground, we stopped at this bus stand to cross the signal. suddenly these ladies or gents, I am not sure how to represent them, they looked different. They stopped us and asked for money.  I got scared and Vijay gave them 5 rupees. They kept their hand on our heads and said, study well. They left us and went to collect money from others. I was confused about them. I asked Vijay, who are they? I do not have much idea about them but my appa said they are dangerous, he asked me to give them money they ask. Signal cleared. But this did not clear my head.

Later evening, I explained everything to papa and asked him, who are they? He said they are god punished people. They are either boys or girls. They are dangerous. Be far them. What? I could not understand still. I  asked him to more about them Do not worry too much about them. They are a shame to society. Because of their bad karma, they are begging in bus stations.

I could not sleep, I decided to find more about them.

Day 2nd Nov 1996:

Finally, I got answers to all my questions. I asked my favorite dance teacher about transgenders. She said they are not dangerous or shameful to society. They are as special as they look. It is our society has a problem in accepting them. Sometimes, god creates himself and leaves his trace in this world. She paused for a moment, yes, it is true. Lord Shiva, Our Natraja has given his half body to Sakthi i.e Parvathi. He is a symbol of gender equality. He is called, Ardhanarishvara. So, every human body we have both qualities. But based on our hormones, body parts, our gender systems are defined. The most dominating characters of each person make them feel like a Man or woman i.e masculine or feminine. But in very special cases, In a male boy, the feminine character gets dominated. These people are called transgenders. There is nothing wrong with them.

I was mesmerized by the explanation of the transgender. I started getting respect for them. Now I understand the things happening to me. I shall tell my parents sometime. But not sure, how they will react to it.

Day 23rd Mar 1997.

Our 10th exams are nearing us. My complete focus is on my studies.

Day 25th May 1997:

The exams are over. I heard Vijay is leaving to the new town to pursue his higher studies. Before he moves from here, I want to confess my feelings towards him.

Day 26th May 1998:

Today is my horrible day. 

I was waiting to speak to Vijay. He was too busy in school as today he is farewell. I could not talk to him, so I decided to speak to him at the bus stand. While we were waiting for the bus, I told very, I like him very much. He smiled at me back and said he also likes me. Then I hugged him and asked, can we get married together. He started mocking me.  He asked have I lost my sense? He called other friends who were far from us and mocked my feelings for him. Suddenly, the transgenders approached us for money. He pushed me towards them and said tomorrow your future is the same as theirs. You are going to beg like them in the bus stand. They shouted at Vijay and his friends and asked them to leave from there. They looked at me and said, this society is not good. but if you feel different from others, tomorrow let us know and they left from there. I could not control my tears. I am not sure how I am going to face my schoolmates. God! Please take me. I feel no one will accept me in this world and I do not want to beg like them on the bus stand.

The counselor closed the diary with a great sigh.

 She called and asked me to bring my wife tomorrow and the only way to fill your son's place is to replace him with someone. Think about it!!, she said and kept the phone.

Today.

Counsellor told me to wait outside as she wanted to talk to my wife discretely. I could see from the glass window. After some time, the counselor handed over dairy to her. My wife kept the dairy back at the table without even reading it. I think she was knowing it before itself. Counsellor called me inside and said,  I think the only way you could do justice is to give a better society for the future transgenders.  And she introduced us to Shiva and she asked, are we okay to take care of special kids? My wife and I looked at each other and happily agree. She hugged Shiva and said, will give him the best studies he deserves and get him to respect what he deserves in society. 

No more Venkatesh should kill himself!